A Chasm of Silence

A little deviation from the main topic is always a welcome relief or so I think while  sitting here in this after noon cozy hour which is all to myself. Yes! Kevin has his day with his Grand Mother and Krista is in a peaceful slumber at the moment. I am by the window here nursing my persistent head ache which started several days ago. My sleep lately at nights are not restful any more and my body gets tired during the day without doing much work around. I wonder some times that it might be the first signs of getting old? You know, the villain “mid-life crisis” we all talk about in whispers may be finally deciding to show up a little too early? Oh, no guys. I am just kidding. Me and getting old? Not going to happen for a long time. May be the word I am looking for here is “boredom”. Yes, life is taking a certain boring quality when I am not busy dealing with kids issues. I am starting to notice a kind of silence around me when K&K are not with me. It is not that I live alone or anything. There are people around me you know. My people- who matters to me based on relationships or simply friendships. But the audacity of silence gets unbearable at times and I can’t seem to hear what they are saying from the other side of the chasm. No matter how much I try to lean closer to listen to their words intently, this nasty silence or boredom seem to ebb on them and make any communication impossible. There was a time I thought I can overcome all these impossibilities of acting normal and get everything on track. When K&K were born, I half expected that I won the battle.  Kevin and Krista turned my world upside down with all the things that are wonderful and needless to say, I became greedy for more. I wanted more love, more life, more rejuvenation…anything that can get me away from this shattering numbness invading my being. May be this lurking headache has a more sinister implication. May be it just wants to tell me that I am engaged in a loosing battle minute by minute. I am not going to get back what I have lost in the past and I will remain incomplete forever. Well, I know all I have to do at this moment is not to get shot in the head with infinite depression of daunting pain and pull myself together. In few hours my children are going to be home and I will be their Mom again. Then this part of me which you haven’t seen until today will say goodbye to this mournful silence and break free from its shackles and rise in love all over again…

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