My dad passed away 2 years ago. It was sudden. I wasn’t with him. None of us his kids were with him at the time. The news of his passing was mind numbing. I am pretty sure I died with him too then.
I am dead for 2 years. What is living breathing in my place today is not me. It is someone else created from my grief and trauma. You see, there were many things happening in my personal life back then. It was chaotic to say the least. Then the pandemic hit. World went into lockdown. Countries were quarantining against each other and masks came up. He passed at the onset of pandemic and I had plans to go see him right before (exactly 2 months before). But due to Covid and rumors about airports shutting down, I chickened out (something I will regret everyday for the rest of my life) and decided to postpone. Then he died.
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Life stopped. Breathing became a chore. Most of my days since then were spent in bed in the dampness of my tears on the sheets, restless sleeping or thinking nothing. I yearned for quiet and stillness. Nights became my favorite time as it was easier to just be in commune with darkness than be miserable in daylight. I lost count of moments, hours and days passing by me. And in one of those moments somewhere, I started writing poems to him. Today, I am braving enough to share one of the pieces here. He loved my blog, always shared my posts enthusiastically on his facebook page. He was my cheerleader. My one and only. So I wanted to post a poem I wrote for him in my darkest hour on this blog he loved so much…hoping to redeem myself from this darkness where I die a little each day missing him…
A Prayer from the Crib
I remember you gazing down at me
As I lay in the crib
Cooing, gurgling and making happy noises
Your big strong fingers were entwined in mine
You picked me up gently
With a wonder I could clearly tell in your eyes
Yes Dad, you made me and I am all yours
I wanted him to know desperately
I remember the awe you felt
The love your heart held
The Promises you made quietly to keep me safe forever
I was in bliss with the knowing
I made a promise too in my little heart then
To love you forever
To make you proud
Be the best daughter I can.
I sealed the pact with love and care
Sought blessings from benevolent Angels watching from above
I knew heavens had heard my simple prayer
I beseeched them to keep their word.
He showered kisses on my little face
Danced me around under the stars
There was nothing else I wanted at that moment
Than be safe and happy in my Dad’s arms.
I mouthed him I love you
I hope he got the message
Because he brought me closer to his chest then
In sweet lullaby.
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