Sometimes it’s too hard not to look back at the life I had a few years ago. I have tried over and over to detach myself completely from the past and start on a clean slate, at least mentally.
And it became a failed mission each time.
If I dare to turn a corner around the memory lane, I will see my younger self, wandering around with a confused mind. A self that was wounded, hurt, aimless and unloved.
I guess my biggest issue those days was my difficulty to belong somewhere or to someone.
I tried to fit in without success.
My desire to be loved and to belong was so strong that I was left bone dry and parched when it eluded me each time.
I have always found it hard to trust people. I never for one minute believed in the ‘joke’ of unconditional love, well at least not until I had my kids….
When I held my babies for the first time in my arms, I felt a surge of powerful feelings threatening to overpower my brain and heart, sweeping me off my feet in an unknown torrent of heavy emotions. I couldn’t tell it apart as to whether they were my uncertainties about Motherhood or the finality of a door shutting somewhere in my bruised heart kicking out all the bad memories away in its wake.
Over the years that passed after the birth of my children, I realized that the ‘ mental limbo’ I experienced in the ‘birthing’ suite was indeed my ‘inner self’ clicking into place, where she had finally found her home in the comfort and warmth of her children, a part of her own flesh and blood.
I rejoiced and acknowledged my divine blessing. I thought the curse is over.
Could I be any luckier than that? -A million dollar question.
The million dollar answer?- No
Then, why am I sad?
Why does a beautiful rainbow sparkling in the calm blue sky after a heavy downpour gives me heart ache so bad that I want to cry?
Why do I never feel rested? For me, sleeping is sort of like running a marathon only to be jerked awake from a terrible nightmare any time and to find the darkness waiting to pounce on me and embrace me in its black cloak.
Why do I fear my memories? Why are they eating upon my peace and meager supply of happiness and thrive on it?
I think my inner self has the answers I seek.
But I won’t ask her, yet.
I know that my heart is not strong enough to listen to the truth that she will tell.
So, I will wait. Wait for another sun rise or until my heart turns stone, whichever comes first…
How do you like my ‘soul-searching’ piece today?
Seriously, do you think self reflection is good once in a while to stay sane and to keep on top of this game called ‘Life’?
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Tammy Graham @ LoveMy2Dogs says
That is some deep soul searching. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild but in time it can be done, with baby steps. I have had to rebuild trust in someone that I gave my heart to and I am more happy now than I ever was before. I hope that you can find that deep inside yourself to trust again.
Ashley S says
Oh the game of life… let me have a glass of wine first before I start thinking 😛
Ashley S recently posted…In the Recording Studio with Disney PLANES: Vocal Tracks ~ #DisneyPlanesEvent
Alaina Bullock says
I can so re4alate to everything you feel! Thanks for such a deep and meaningful post!
Kareen Liez says
There are really times when we think of thing like this. It is actually good to reminisce and reflect sometimes. It gives us different realizations in life. Hugs from Pink Heart String!
Kareen Liez recently posted…Say Bye to UTI: Prevent UTI in Kids
Anita Breeze says
I am careful not to search my soul too deeply, I’m afraid of what I might find! Great work for the courageous!
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I think soul searching is essential at least periodically. We all need to be in touch with who we are and where we are headed.
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Soul searching is important to help us determine our future paths – but not to dwell on it so much that it prevents us from moving forward. Thanks for sharing such a personal post!
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Personally, I think soul searching is so important. I think it’s a beautiful thing that we were gifted with- the ability to look at ourselves and our experiences and reflect, learn. This is one of the things that seperates us from the rest of creation. I also believe, however, that this introspection can be dangerous when we begin to feel as if we are drowning in it. I have found that soul searching helped me identify past pains that need to be addressed so I can learn and move forward. It has also helped me see where I need growth and pruning, and motivated me to work on both. But there have been times when I sat in the “muck” I discovered. Those were terrible times that reflection brought nothing positive. It takes courage to search ourselves, identify our feelings and to DEAL with them. The last part is always the hardest for me.
Continue your soul searching because you will learn a lot about yourself but don’t let it stop you from being your best self!! Don’t let the stuff you struggle with blind you to all the amazing things you are;)
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